The pain feels as if my heart's membrane is being peeled off. Every time I try to move forward, my heart keeps pulling me back. I won't pursue it anymore. When it's over, it's over. There are no exceptions. However, I made two exceptions for you. Was it a mistake? Because my heart is downcast, tears fall. Is this why I'm alive, just to experience this? I simply wanted to be happy. I imagined a peaceful relationship where we truly cared for each other. Not just happy or joyful or pleasant, but a time of calmness. But as soon as I think the thin layer connects, it peels off. That's how my days have been. The thought of starting over with work from the beginning, the anxieties of the future, and even thinking about it makes me panic. So should I stop...? The thought crosses my mind, although I won't act on it, it's just a passing delusion. I want to disappear. That's where I pause. If I'm going to disappear, then wouldn't it be fine to start fresh again? If I'm going to disappear anyway, it doesn't matter if things are not good right now.
Let's move forward. It may feel like running away, but that's okay. Starting something new is scary. There's always a level of fear that makes it hard to take the first step. But if it's the same level of fear, then let's embrace a new kind of fear. That's why I changed jobs. I remember now. Yes, that's right.
