I am only afraid of what the outcome will be, but it can't be helped. That's life. My fear grows as I wait for the doctor's appointment. I feel as if I am standing in a completely different world line from yesterday.
Last night, when I was having dinner with the people at work, my mind was often swinging in a different direction. All I could think about was "what if" a million times, and I wanted to run away. Fear is one of the emotions I don't like to feel. When I am afraid, I want to run away. I try my best to convince myself that I have to deal with the situation.
The memory of standing on the dirt floor of the entrance hallway and watching the dust glisten as it drifted away came back to me. I was told to walk to kindergarten that day. My mother, who was busy with work, couldn't drop me off, so I had to walk there by myself. I can still remember how anxious and scared I was that day. I was standing at the front door, unable to take a single step, unable to enter the house. I was wearing a dowdy dark red kindergarten uniform. I was afraid of my mother, but I was also afraid of my father, who was in a bad mood because of my grumbling. I should have walked to the kindergarten by myself, but I couldn't.
I couldn't do it.
I have no memory of what happened after that. I think my mother, who did not try to hide her mood, probably pulled me along and took me to the kindergarten by bicycle or car.
It was just like those days when I was unable to take a single step during this waiting period. Yet this time I made it to the hospital by myself. I feel like I'm going crazy with fear. I am the only one who can take care of this end. No matter what happens, I have to live with my body. I will live with it until I die.
A few days after the lump was pointed out to me until the day I went to see the doctor. I had plans after work all the time. I had plans with people from my former workplace and my current workplace. We talked about trivial things and drank tea until just before I fell asleep.
All I had to do was go home, take a shower, and go to sleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night with an unbearable fear welling up from deep within me. For a few days, I didn't even know if I was sleeping or not.
What kind of ending is waiting for me? Would I have to make a big cut at the rudder? I am just waiting without knowing a single thing. We have promised to live together until we die.
This time it was okay. I spent so many anxious nights. I could die tomorrow after all these tests. So I'm going to have a Frappuccino and go home because I did my best today. I might turn blue when I pay the bill. Then I'll just go shopping and go home.
I guess that's what I'm saying.
I'll let Goh touch my breasts. I'll tell him to go for a checkup.
