There was fear.
I have to confront unspeakable fear. I have always run away. I knew I couldn't keep running. It was insane to have to face it without a single shield to protect myself. In a corner of my mind, I knew I might die. My common sense is out of sync with that of the world at large. So what? I am afraid. My heart breaks. Wherever the source of this fear comes from, it doesn't change the situation. There is only the fact that I have to fight. I don't want to go there, where there is no kindness or warmth, where there is confusion and anxiety. I wanted to weigh it against death. I hear a voice telling me to run away rather than die. I want to escape. I don't want to get involved. I don't want to speak. I was afraid to come into view. I was so scared that I couldn't stand up properly, so I collapsed on the couch and sat down. Why?
I should have died in October. I should have died seven years ago. Would I be able to stand the voices I hear when people around me see the common sense I'm about to trample on? I don't think I can. I'm sure I can't.
